Wednesday Morning 3AM

Life is coming to a halt. The end of the semester, the end of friends who are departing for uncertain futures has left me quite empty these past few days. Sure the fact that i'm coming down from a five day binge of snorting uppers is holding me in an odd purgatory that I can't quite figure out, but I think the underlying problem is within myself and my inability to secure something that really is my own. I'm done with one of my classes so that has alleviated some stress, but there still lies a deep problem within my mind that has driven me off the wall for the past 3 months. What is it really? I feel that my social skills have degraded since high school even and that i'm more of a recluse than I ever was. Sure I know people, but I feel there is an understanding of what my existence is to others. I'm looking at things too pessimistically to be straight, but this is how i'm feeling. My inability to accomplish, to construct, to build anything of meaning has come to a low point. Pills Pills, Marijuana, Cannabis, Uppers, Downers have definitely altered my state of reality and the way I perceive the world around me and up until recently I thought this was a good thing, but i'm really not sure where I could go at this point. I could see myself giving up one day and striving for the best the next.

Anyway, Panda Bear's new album "Tomboy" is fucking brilliant. As always he provides the catchiest Beach Boy pop vocals, but the tone on this album is different than Person Pitch with shorter and more structured songs. I love how the tone of the album changes from song to song. Songs like Last Night At the Jetty, and Slow Motion are just superbly crafted tracks with singable melodies and intricate beats that create some of the chillest vibes i've been able to indulge in a very long time. Other songs, such as my currently favorite Friendship Bracelet are just bizarrely ambient tracks with a variety of sounds and effects altering the vocals in a way that puts the listener in an absolute dream world. Ideals are what we strive for, and as all music is subjective this certainly hits the ideals i strive for day to day as of late. Sporadic but relaxed. Well thought out but actually borderline insane.

In terms of my life: I finished one of my four classes this semester, "advanced writing in the disciplines." I was actually quite aggravated that I had to take a class with this approach, but the way our teacher structured the class was very laid back and utilized a more creative approach to writing than probably every other teacher i've had. Like all of my classes at northeastern I've only made some minor "contacts", people who i'll awkwardly say hi to for another month or so but never after that. Everyone there seemed so nice but there just isn't an opportunity for me to establish a long term friendship through a class. Whatever. I have some traveling to look forward to, but my inability to correct myself and get my shit together will prove stressful. I need to realize that leaving my comfort zone is the best way for me to truly succeed in life and that I must do it everyday in some way. I'm blabbing now at this point, and though it feels great I must stop.